Finding out you have ADHD is not just about symptoms, but also about emotions. Sometimes there is relief. “Finally! This explains so much!” Sometimes there is fear. “What does this mean? Am I lovable? Am I broken?” And sometimes there is resentment “Why can’t you just let me be me?!”
It is this latter that Perkowitz talks about in her article, which I recommend reading. She: learns to embrace her ADHD and proudly asserts who she is; goes through a ‘love it or leave it’ stage; and then realizes that accepting ADHD is most effective if one learns that ADHD can impact those around you, too. In the end, she muses “It’s not my fault that my brain style is less typical, and, therefore, less catered to, but nor is it anyone else’s fault either.”
It’s a call for understanding that imposing your way on others if you have ADHD is just as ‘icky’ as having others impose their way on you. The healthiest relationship -with and without ADHD – are those in which each partner’s way of being is respected, and in which both partners seek to contribute their best self to the relationship. To me that means being respectful; managing anger; finding a system that lets you be reliable a good part of the time; and showing lots of love.
Is either of you imposing your way on your partner? Are both of you?
If you are struggling with task distribution and completion, please start this process. There’s nothing easy at all about this dynamic, and even with ADHD in your relationship there are lots of ways to improve how you both feel about when and how things get done…and who does them.
Free VIRTUAL OFFICE HOURS with Melissa during the COVID-19 crisis. It’s a difficult period for many, and it is my hope that I can provide meaningful support for those with relationship questions.
Thursday, August 6, 9:00-10:30am EASTERN time, 7:30 – 8:30pm EASTERN time
Tuesday, August 11, 3:30-4:45pm EASTERN time
Thursday, August 13, 9:00-10:00am EASTERN time, 7:00-8:30pm EASTERN time
Wednesday, August 19, 10:00-11:30am EASTERN time
Thursday, August 20, 3:15 – 4:45pm EASTERN time
FREE PARENTING ADHD ONLINE SUMMIT – I’m on Monday July 27, Partnering With Your Young Adult With ADHD. Caregivers of ADHD kids: Don’t miss the 3rd Annual ADHD Parents Palooza July 27-31. Online + Free! It all kicks off Monday, July 27th. All you have to do is register today
Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! Find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD including free: Online treatment overview; Downloadable chapters of my books; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals.
Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples’ course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples’ Seminar – This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The live session starts Fall, 2020.
Support Tele-groups – Be part of a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other’s successes and struggles; and find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship: Non ADHD Partner Support Tele-group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group.
How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD – go to the home page for a free download about the best ways to manage ADHD.
Question? Contact Melissa.